And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
