"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
