just tell him i said nine months
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
