When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
