The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
