There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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