i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
