I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
