I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
