my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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