life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
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