I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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