You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
