did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
