it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
