You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
