So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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