If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
