is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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