i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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