turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
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