My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
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