someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
