I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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