just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Randomize
