Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Randomize
