i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
