On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
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