there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
