Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
