At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
