I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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