I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
So here I am, sexting at work.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
