The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
