Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
i out mim tonsoeep
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