Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
