This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
