why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
