the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Randomize
