Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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