I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
