someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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