I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
