First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Dick very happy bro
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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