ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
