Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
