It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
