I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
They have beer where we have blood.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
