Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
