Can i not drive my cunt home
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
